By Allen Liu
The following is a transcript of the “Rally to Restore Jobs” held in Davenport, IA, on the eve of the Iowa Caucuses:
Good evening Davenport!
It makes me so glad to see how many of you came out today. I don’t think I’ve seen a fuller crowd my whole campaign. I’ve just spent this morning walking all around your beautiful city – I spent some time at the German-American Heritage Center, lovely place. I’ve really loved my time here in Davenport, and in Iowa as a whole, not just the landmarks and of course those amber waves of grain, but really just getting to know the people of this great state. You all really represent the heart of America.
So to everyone in the conference hall tonight – and everyone watching at home – I know what you’re really here to talk about. It’s Jobs. The economy just isn’t what it used to be, and people here are really feeling the pain from the lack of Jobs. Now my opponents have been accusing me of having a “one-issue campaign.” Well, I say to them: if doing what’s best for the American People leads to a one issue campaign, then so be it. I’m here for one thing: to bring back Jobs.
My opponents might look around at the record numbers of out of work people in this country, and think they see laziness, or people looking for a handout. But I know better. I look around and I see people full of untapped potential – potential to bring America forward into a new era. Potential that can be utilized the moment we can bring Jobs back to this country.
Now of course, every so-called “normal” politician says they want to bring back Jobs. But not one of them is willing to put in the effort. ‘Cause folks, bringing back Jobs isn’t easy. The foreign powers that took our Jobs from us are sure as hell trying to stop us from bringing Jobs back. But I promise you here tonight: I am willing to do whatever it takes to bring Jobs back to America.
Audience chants: ”Bring back jobs! Bring back jobs!”
People of Davenport, you all know by now I’m no run-of-the-mill politician. I’m no Washington insider. I’m willing to do things my opponents will never do. Go places they’ll never go. See things they could never see. Shout secrets they wouldn’t dare to whisper aloud. Folks, you know I’ll stop at nothing to help America. I’ve dug through the endless pages of court rulings, regulations, eldritch tomes, and even the tax code on behalf of you, the American People, searching for one thing. A way that we can bring back Jobs. Tonight, I’m proud to announce I’ve found it. I’m revealing my grand Jobs plan this very evening, I’m going to not only bring Jobs back to America, I’m going to bring Jobs back to Iowa. I’m even going to bring Jobs back to this very city, to this very stage.
Tonight, I’m resurrecting Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs.
That’s right folks. The pitch-dark pentacle you’ve been seeing my hooded campaign staffers shaping behind me. The scattered incense filling the air with cinnabar smoke. The bloodstone figurines of cloven-hoofed horrors. Debate in Washington and backroom dealings won’t bring back our Jobs. But right now, if we work together, we can.
You see folks, the American Dream doesn’t just require Jobs. It is Jobs. And I can assure everyone watching that if I am successful the American Dream will once again be very much alive, and with it the promise of great American Jobs. Although cancerous societal tumors may have destroyed the prospects for our Jobs and his weak mortal flesh from the inside, his immortal soul has not fallen out of the reach of black magic, or even black turtlenecks.
Audience shifts uncomfortably
In our great quest to bring back Jobs, we of course have to thank America’s brilliant entrepreneurs like Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, and Elon Musk. They have given so much to this country, and the quest to bring back Jobs; even beyond what’s public knowledge. Restoring America’s Jobs wouldn’t be possible without their blood, sweat, and tears, all of which you may notice are now being poured evenly around the steaming summoning circle. This country’s inventors are truly the pioneers of our new age of information.
Yes, America leads the world in many ways. But we can’t go this alone. To move into the future, including bringing back our Jobs, we need to work with partners outside of this country, and outside of this plane of existence. I call upon our allies everywhere to help us restore our Jobs. The Heavenly Domain, the Infernal Realm, the United Kingdom, I call upon all your power. Join us. Bring Back Jobs! Bring Back Jobs!
Audience shrieks: “Bring back Jobs!?! Bring back Jobs!?!”
With every passing moment – oh, sorry sir, we locked the doors until the event is over – you can see change coming, folks. We’re bringing Jobs back. Watch the tendrils of muscle and bone slithering out of the pentacle’s center. Gaze upon the unbroken circle of the world’s most innovative tech products – don’t ask how we got an iPhone 9, plausible deniability must be maintained for you hardworking, everyday Americans. Hear Tim Cook’s chanting growing ever louder as the mescaline’s effects take hold.
Cook: “Shareholder value, shareholder value, shareholder value…”
My fellow Americans we’re bringing – sorry again sir, the windows are locked too – we’re bringing back the greatness of the era before our Jobs left our shores, to be ferried across the river Styx. Or whatever divine rivers bring you solace, of course; religious tolerance in combination with Christian values has always been a cornerstone of our democracy.
Audience screams desperately
Folks, I understand that there are a lot of uncomfortable issues in today’s politics. Some topics are hard to talk about – gun policy, immigration, healthcare, just to name a few. These topics can make us want to hide in our echo chambers, ignore our neighbors, or even crawl through the air vents looking to escape the scent of smoldering brimstone and the crackle of electricity. These days, it sometimes seems that we’re more divided as a country than we have been in a long time.
But these are problems that we can solve – we just need the vision, the innovation, and the moxie to just do something. And if the inventor of the modern personal computer can’t bring these to the table, if the dreamer who revolutionized the music industry can’t think of a way forward, if the visionary who gave us the modern smartphone can’t get the job done, well then, folks, no one can. And we don’t even have to resurrect three people – this is one person. The way forward for this country is to give everyday Americans another chance at Jobs.
Because folks, Jobs gave us something to aspire to. Jobs allowed us to be part of something greater. And this process of bringing back our Jobs, well, it’s bringing us together. It’s drawing us closer. Making us lean in. Pulling us toward action.
And as we all get sucked toward the dark vortex behind me, slowly growing to envelop the auditorium and perhaps our whole world, know that it envelops us not as northerners and southerners, not as city slickers and country bumpkins, not as Democrats and Republicans, but as Americans. Because, well, they don’t call this the United States for nothing. We are united, we are strong, and by gosh, we’re bringing Jobs back! Goodnight, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America!